I was recently asked by a close friend if all I do is complain. The short answer is “no” complaining is not all I do. The long answer goes as such…..
“No, although I do complain daily, I also find that between the rants and rages of my everyday life, I have moments of pleasure and sheer elation as well. Most mornings, there is at least one instance when, I catch myself smiling from feeling of the warmth of the sun on my face during an early morning swim.”
“There are many times when I get sentimental staring into my children’s eyes while reminiscing about the times when they were just infants.”
“I do find myself forgetting all of the frustration, which seems to penetrate ever area of my life, and just be……”
“I do have a full range of wild and tamed emotions.”
“I do share love as much, if not more than, feelings of disgust or opposition for my fellow humans.” My point is, I fill my life with some many things other than complaining or being angry.
My hope today is that I convey what the point of my blog is regarding “the big picture” of it. I believe that expressing my feelings, those icky, angry, frustrated, I wish someone knew how I felt feelings, I can be a better me.
If I put it down on paper for only me to see, does that do my feelings or the relevance of my point any justice? If I complain or inquire to no one, can I make a change within myself or hope that others will? Am I important enough or worthy enough to make a change regarding anything? These questions are what I ask myself everyday….. Do I, or my views, even matter in this big world? Do I make a difference at all?
I write this blog or put something down on paper everyday….. I write because I feel good about it. I feel good to be a part of something bigger than me. To sum it up, I want to be better…. So I complain and hope that even if all I change is my own point of view or even my sons’ ideals on social behavior and respect for their fellow humans, then I can feel accomplished. I write because I feel joyful about the fact that I emote, feel, and release all of the angst. I feel spectacular that when I am done….. as I am now… I always end on a smile.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
The entitlement factor…..
The more time I spend with the human species the more repugnance I have for them. What is it that makes someone believe they are more significant than the other people around them? Why do some people believe their life, time, property, and opinions are more significant than their neighbor’s? Why do “the rules” only apply to those who adhere to them……. Not to everyone?
For example, the person at the movies, you know the ones who keep their phone on and throughout the film texts or even have a full on conversations, why? Now I know, because I am at the same movie, that these people watched all of the commercials that jokingly (or seriously) stated “Keep your phones off, no texting or calling!” But they still insist that this rule does not apply to them, just the people around them who might interrupt their movie!
Then there are the people who insist on not using any signals on their vehicle to allow others to know what to expect…. Like a turn signal! When did the turn signal become optional? I love it even more when the person chooses not use the turn signal but slows down to a complete stop to turn……. Entitled!
Garbage…. This is a big one! When did people decide that just dropping garbage on the ground was ok? Why is it ok that you eat your bag of chips or drink your giant drink then throw it on the ground? Oh, will someone else get that for you? Probably… but should we always wait for someone else to do it?
When are we going to, as a whole, start to be accountable for ourselves, start helping out one another, learn to empathize with each other, be cautious, love, care about something other than ourselves or BIGGER than ourselves?
Today I went to see a movie and someone actually answered their phone sitting next to me in a theater. At that moment I lost all hope in people, I yelled and got heated and she hung up. It took about 30 minutes till I felt better and regained a little bit of that hope back, that is until I was nearly side swiped by a person turning without any warning. As I sat there in my anger and rage, I lost all hope again……..and again it took a while but I started to get over that feeling, maybe regaining a little bit of hope again.
Later we went to baseball practice and a lady threw all of her garbage out the car door as she was pulling away! As I picked up her trash and chased her Circle K cups through the parking lot I lost all hope for humanity once again!
As I sit here now, attempting to let go of the sheer ignorance of the people I encountered today, I think “When will it be too much to get over? When will I just be angry without bursts of happiness in between? When will these people, the selfish crazies around me, decide to pull their head out of their asses and look around? There are other people out there; maybe they just need to change their view!”
Oh today.... you are a bastard!
For example, the person at the movies, you know the ones who keep their phone on and throughout the film texts or even have a full on conversations, why? Now I know, because I am at the same movie, that these people watched all of the commercials that jokingly (or seriously) stated “Keep your phones off, no texting or calling!” But they still insist that this rule does not apply to them, just the people around them who might interrupt their movie!
Then there are the people who insist on not using any signals on their vehicle to allow others to know what to expect…. Like a turn signal! When did the turn signal become optional? I love it even more when the person chooses not use the turn signal but slows down to a complete stop to turn……. Entitled!
Garbage…. This is a big one! When did people decide that just dropping garbage on the ground was ok? Why is it ok that you eat your bag of chips or drink your giant drink then throw it on the ground? Oh, will someone else get that for you? Probably… but should we always wait for someone else to do it?
When are we going to, as a whole, start to be accountable for ourselves, start helping out one another, learn to empathize with each other, be cautious, love, care about something other than ourselves or BIGGER than ourselves?
Today I went to see a movie and someone actually answered their phone sitting next to me in a theater. At that moment I lost all hope in people, I yelled and got heated and she hung up. It took about 30 minutes till I felt better and regained a little bit of that hope back, that is until I was nearly side swiped by a person turning without any warning. As I sat there in my anger and rage, I lost all hope again……..and again it took a while but I started to get over that feeling, maybe regaining a little bit of hope again.
Later we went to baseball practice and a lady threw all of her garbage out the car door as she was pulling away! As I picked up her trash and chased her Circle K cups through the parking lot I lost all hope for humanity once again!
As I sit here now, attempting to let go of the sheer ignorance of the people I encountered today, I think “When will it be too much to get over? When will I just be angry without bursts of happiness in between? When will these people, the selfish crazies around me, decide to pull their head out of their asses and look around? There are other people out there; maybe they just need to change their view!”
Oh today.... you are a bastard!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
First instincts......
I may be alone in theses thoughts but, sometimes when someone I don’t like is talking to me, I think about kicking them in the head! I know, I know, weird but this is a very true statement…… Ok even worse, I occasionally think about kicking people in the head that I do like, but I just don’t like what they are saying at that time! Like I said before, I may be a lone wolf here, but the impulse I have, every so often, is to kick people in the head. Sometimes I just turn people off in my head when they are speaking (you know, in my head I hear Charlie Brown’s teacher) and I think “kick one, kick two, kick three…… right in the head!” Of course, I do not think this is an appropriate behavior, you know, going around kicking folks in the head, but oh how great it would be to just do it…….. I won’t but…… OH YA! I can see it now……….
In the grocery store the cashier could say “Sorry mama, this coupon doesn’t work here” then a KICK right to the head, “Works now, don’t it” I would reply after the awe-inspiring kick to the head! The improper grammar and all……. Gosh how amazing it could be!
Or when picking up the kids from their father he could say “Hey you forgot the check you owe me” then round-house KICK to the head! “Ya, I got your check right here” I would yell as he fell to the ground! How bad-ass kung-fu of me that could be!
Oh, or a person who could cut me off driving and yell “Move lady!” I could jump out of my car at the stop light and walk up to their window as they roll it down yelling at me, then BOOM, I ram my heel into their head all gangster style! “You messed with the wrong lady today” I would calmly say as they take me away in the back of the cop car. Oh the satisfaction I could feel…. Priceless!
But like I stated before, theses are all in my imagination. I could never kick someone in the head! I am 4’11 for god sakes, I could barely kick them in the shin! Maybe that is why the fantasy is so grand. I may just have short-chic Napoleon syndrome! You know as if I am a lil’ chihuahua puppy acting like I am a Great Dane.... Running around kicking people in the head!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Sept. 12, The firm.
I wish I could go back in time. I wish I could go to the exact time and place that the nipple (the female nipple only) became so offensive that we decided to hide them eternally! I want to go back to the exact day and moment that it occurred to someone (probably a man) that these magnificently delicate wonders of nature had to be restricted from society. That the source of all goodness and nutrition for our children and others needed to be stored away!
YA I said it, I want to travel through time to find out who the sick S.O.B. is that decided, not only do we have to hide these beautiful mammary glands and there fantastic accessories, but we should also encase them in the unbearable, excruciating, pointy, metal cage called a bra!
I want to look at that (probably a man’s) face and ask “Why are you so offended by my breast and nipples?”
“Why” I would ask “is it the social norm for my smooth, supple breasts to be hidden under layers of polyester wrapped with barbed wire?”
“Why” I would scream “are men’s nipples treated so differently?”
“Why is it that a man’s nipples and breasts, which are covered in hair, misshapen, frequently malformed, and practically useless, are paraded around openly for all to see?”
“Why, when developing this bra, do you not consider the needs of a woman and her comfort over the look of two breasts squished together and the cleavage that follows the torture?”
“Why is it that the “look” in a bra is more important than the rash that the bra creates?”
Most importantly I would ask him (cause I am quite sure he is a man) “Why, sir, do you care about my breasts being pressed firm to my chest and bursting the seams of this cloth death trap……. WHY?
I wish I could go back and time…….. I would ask this (probably a) man these very questions and then beat him within an inch of his life!
Today, I bought a new bra……. I imagine you all can see how that went.
YA I said it, I want to travel through time to find out who the sick S.O.B. is that decided, not only do we have to hide these beautiful mammary glands and there fantastic accessories, but we should also encase them in the unbearable, excruciating, pointy, metal cage called a bra!
I want to look at that (probably a man’s) face and ask “Why are you so offended by my breast and nipples?”
“Why” I would ask “is it the social norm for my smooth, supple breasts to be hidden under layers of polyester wrapped with barbed wire?”
“Why” I would scream “are men’s nipples treated so differently?”
“Why is it that a man’s nipples and breasts, which are covered in hair, misshapen, frequently malformed, and practically useless, are paraded around openly for all to see?”
“Why, when developing this bra, do you not consider the needs of a woman and her comfort over the look of two breasts squished together and the cleavage that follows the torture?”
“Why is it that the “look” in a bra is more important than the rash that the bra creates?”
Most importantly I would ask him (cause I am quite sure he is a man) “Why, sir, do you care about my breasts being pressed firm to my chest and bursting the seams of this cloth death trap……. WHY?
I wish I could go back and time…….. I would ask this (probably a) man these very questions and then beat him within an inch of his life!
Today, I bought a new bra……. I imagine you all can see how that went.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Sept. 10th, Seeing red.......
Today, like every other day, I drove to the gym and swam laps back and forth in a highly chlorinated cesspool, hoping to find enlightenment.
Today, like every other day, I found none. What I did find, much like every other day at the local pool, was a grumpy, mean old-man, not nice enough to share a lane with anyone (even though each lane is built for two). The scene goes as follows……….
A nice, soft spoken woman, asked a man who was swimming alone in a lane, as polite as could be” May we share?” The mean old-man exclaimed, in a gruff and animated tone, “I would prefer you go elsewhere!” The woman then replied “Oh, sorry to bother you, maybe someone else will be kind enough to share.” In that moment I felt the heat begin to rise in my face and my blood began to boil…. Why on earth did she not just yell and tell him how rude he was or say “Too bad, I am gonna swim here anyways!?” Why not stand up and tell him that he is a jerk or even ask him “Who the hell do you think you are?” I was about to become enraged… I knew it… no one can be “unjust” around me and not get the run of the mill ass-reaming, especially to a person who was so kind! In those few moments I thought to myself “huh, no one is ever that kind!”
Seconds before I opened my mouth, I glanced over at her standing in next lane. She was asking a young woman if she would kindly share her lane and realized something! She was a local anchor woman from the news channel I watch! She was on T.V. everyday reporting the important (and not so important) local news that Tucsonans watch, or like me, fall asleep to every night. She couldn’t say what she wanted to. She couldn’t just tell him to “kiss her ass!” She had to maintain some kind or respect and dignity. She is a public figure. After stewing in my anger for a couple of minutes, I began to feel OK with her choice of letting this mean old- man get away with not sharing the social pleasantries we expect from society (although we never receive)!
I learned something from her today. I observed her graceful and understanding means of dealing with the selfish and rude population. What I learned today I will remember forever… Today I learned that could never be a public figure! Public figures require two things I could never maintain, votes or ratings! I don’t have the capability to filter the words of wisdom that I bestow upon everyone I meet. What I possess is a gift, the gift of understanding how not to be rude or blatantly ass-y! I will continue to maintain this personal "jem" a gift because so few people I encounter have this quality! After thinking about the encounter with the mean old-man for a bit, I came to one big conclusion...... Lucky me, I can tell old guys to "shove it!"
Today, like every other day, I found none. What I did find, much like every other day at the local pool, was a grumpy, mean old-man, not nice enough to share a lane with anyone (even though each lane is built for two). The scene goes as follows……….
A nice, soft spoken woman, asked a man who was swimming alone in a lane, as polite as could be” May we share?” The mean old-man exclaimed, in a gruff and animated tone, “I would prefer you go elsewhere!” The woman then replied “Oh, sorry to bother you, maybe someone else will be kind enough to share.” In that moment I felt the heat begin to rise in my face and my blood began to boil…. Why on earth did she not just yell and tell him how rude he was or say “Too bad, I am gonna swim here anyways!?” Why not stand up and tell him that he is a jerk or even ask him “Who the hell do you think you are?” I was about to become enraged… I knew it… no one can be “unjust” around me and not get the run of the mill ass-reaming, especially to a person who was so kind! In those few moments I thought to myself “huh, no one is ever that kind!”
Seconds before I opened my mouth, I glanced over at her standing in next lane. She was asking a young woman if she would kindly share her lane and realized something! She was a local anchor woman from the news channel I watch! She was on T.V. everyday reporting the important (and not so important) local news that Tucsonans watch, or like me, fall asleep to every night. She couldn’t say what she wanted to. She couldn’t just tell him to “kiss her ass!” She had to maintain some kind or respect and dignity. She is a public figure. After stewing in my anger for a couple of minutes, I began to feel OK with her choice of letting this mean old- man get away with not sharing the social pleasantries we expect from society (although we never receive)!
I learned something from her today. I observed her graceful and understanding means of dealing with the selfish and rude population. What I learned today I will remember forever… Today I learned that could never be a public figure! Public figures require two things I could never maintain, votes or ratings! I don’t have the capability to filter the words of wisdom that I bestow upon everyone I meet. What I possess is a gift, the gift of understanding how not to be rude or blatantly ass-y! I will continue to maintain this personal "jem" a gift because so few people I encounter have this quality! After thinking about the encounter with the mean old-man for a bit, I came to one big conclusion...... Lucky me, I can tell old guys to "shove it!"
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Sept 9th... fighting the inevitable.
32……. Why must you hate me so much? I have been with you for less than a week and I get the suspicious feeling you won’t be any better to me than 31 was! I mean when I was with 24 I always felt vibrant, sexy, and thin…… but 32 you are a bastard! I wish I could wrap my head around this horrible relationship we share!
Maybe I should just come to terms with you? Accept what you really are? But look around 32, you are beginning to take a toll on me! You make me tired and you even make my back hurt. No, it is nothing like when 30 gave me sciatica and arthritis. It is even worse! I swim 1200 meters a day and still nothing…. I have numerous dance, yoga, and Pilates classes a week, to no avail. 32……. You still keep making my ass fatter! I eat leaves for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and still can’t loss a pound! I dream of cheesecake pillows, covered in peanut butter cups……but I know if one were to pass my lips you, 32, would seek your revenge on my thighs! I spend most of my days covered wrist to neck hiding the damage you have done. Avoiding mirrors and eye contact has become a bit of a hobby as well.
I know that I can not leave you with out dire consequences. But maybe, just maybe I can go back to 29 in a fantasy? Maybe I can just tell everyone I am still with 29, even though on the inside I would know the dark painful truth.
32, you are a bastard and although I feel like this today, I hope that I can somehow, one day, come to terms with what you really are….. and maybe even love you. But from what I hear I will probably be with 45 when I do!
Maybe I should just come to terms with you? Accept what you really are? But look around 32, you are beginning to take a toll on me! You make me tired and you even make my back hurt. No, it is nothing like when 30 gave me sciatica and arthritis. It is even worse! I swim 1200 meters a day and still nothing…. I have numerous dance, yoga, and Pilates classes a week, to no avail. 32……. You still keep making my ass fatter! I eat leaves for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and still can’t loss a pound! I dream of cheesecake pillows, covered in peanut butter cups……but I know if one were to pass my lips you, 32, would seek your revenge on my thighs! I spend most of my days covered wrist to neck hiding the damage you have done. Avoiding mirrors and eye contact has become a bit of a hobby as well.
I know that I can not leave you with out dire consequences. But maybe, just maybe I can go back to 29 in a fantasy? Maybe I can just tell everyone I am still with 29, even though on the inside I would know the dark painful truth.
32, you are a bastard and although I feel like this today, I hope that I can somehow, one day, come to terms with what you really are….. and maybe even love you. But from what I hear I will probably be with 45 when I do!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Sept 8th..... and the run away aide.
Today was ridiculous! Pima Community College is my official complaint for the day! It has been 3 months and 12 days since I filled out my financial aide information and turned it in…………….. Still no financial aide!!!! I have talked to a total of 13 people and not one of them has an answer…… until Saturday. Yes they respond! The information they finally shared was that my paper work was incomplete. That the very paperwork that I filled out, was not even checked before entering it into the scanner, which then gets placed in a 26.8 foot pile of paper work that NO ONE has ever even seen, but we know exists!
So I rush to the Pima office and tell them “here…. here is the paperwork you need, that you said you had…. Can I have money for school and books and life now PLEASE!????” Their response is “In about 5 to 7 business days you should here something”……… Ok I can deal with that because for about 2 months, of the 3 months and 13 days of waiting, I thought they forgot about me. Being “responded” to made me feel a little bit better……. Until today, today was the very last straw. I looked at my Pima account and I saw that they didn’t receive my information still; you know the information I took to the office and handed to them 5 business days ago!
So I call….. and calmly explain, to the apparently 16 year old boy on the phone, that the computer must be wrong… needless to say he had no information…. Ugh. Hours later I check the Pima website again, I received an email from Pima! “Mrs. Kimberly …… could you please find the time to take this survey for our campus. Customer service is our priority. Your information was found and your issues should be resolved.” “Huh” I thought. How is the issue resolved if the computer still says “we need all your crap still????” So my paperwork is found and you have the time to generate a survey email but no one….. no one has the time to update my account and fix my non-existent financial aide???? This is absurd! I guess the idiot who pushes the survey button was working faster today that the idiot who pushes they “fix the stuff that matters” button……. And I am done!
So I rush to the Pima office and tell them “here…. here is the paperwork you need, that you said you had…. Can I have money for school and books and life now PLEASE!????” Their response is “In about 5 to 7 business days you should here something”……… Ok I can deal with that because for about 2 months, of the 3 months and 13 days of waiting, I thought they forgot about me. Being “responded” to made me feel a little bit better……. Until today, today was the very last straw. I looked at my Pima account and I saw that they didn’t receive my information still; you know the information I took to the office and handed to them 5 business days ago!
So I call….. and calmly explain, to the apparently 16 year old boy on the phone, that the computer must be wrong… needless to say he had no information…. Ugh. Hours later I check the Pima website again, I received an email from Pima! “Mrs. Kimberly …… could you please find the time to take this survey for our campus. Customer service is our priority. Your information was found and your issues should be resolved.” “Huh” I thought. How is the issue resolved if the computer still says “we need all your crap still????” So my paperwork is found and you have the time to generate a survey email but no one….. no one has the time to update my account and fix my non-existent financial aide???? This is absurd! I guess the idiot who pushes the survey button was working faster today that the idiot who pushes they “fix the stuff that matters” button……. And I am done!
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