In the recent weeks I have reflected on the past four years of college and wondered about what the future holds for me. I am 30-ish and should know, right? Well I don’t have a freaking clue! I want so much……
I want to be a writer and have people want to read my stories, ideas, and books.
I want to be a social worker and help people help themselves.
I want to be an abuse counselor and assist women and children in dark, seemingly dreary situations.
I want to be a professor and teach the masses.
I want to be a feminist and fight for women’s rights within the sex industry and beyond.
I want to be a high school P.E. teacher and teach the importance of health for life.
I want to be a life guard and save lives and teach swimming techniques.
I want to be a scholar………… I want to be something big!
But I think that most of all, I want to be a student. I don’t want to graduate next year and then feel forced to work, although I feel completely unfinished. I want to keep going to school. I want to just absorb everything I can. I want to change everything I believe I am supposed to be, and just be. I want to learn everything and open every door. I feel like the world and I have so much to offer to each other and I want it. I want to be that person, the one I know I am.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Ugggg every year....
A week ago today was Thanksgiving and the very day I decided that I hate Thanksgiving and may never celebrate it again. Every year seems to go the same way, early in the day I think to myself “This year will be splendid! Food, family, and football! I just know this year will be the year my expectations of Thanksgiving will change forever. This year will be the exception to every other Thanksgiving I have ever had.” But by afternoon I recall of the reasons I hate Thanksgiving in the first place.
I recognize that the majority of people would find this hatred toward Thanksgiving to be considered almost blasphemous, but I can not hide this feeling any longer.
I detest sitting around staring at my family, whom I never see other than the big holidays, acting as if we have something in common, because we don’t. There is never going to be a day that I want to cook for eleven hours and I think that Thanksgiving should not be an exception to this rule! I loathe the fact that I have to pretend that I care if you like my gravy! I hate washing 50 dishes! I find it insufferable that I have to share my couch when I watch football, even worse, I might have to sit on someone else’s couches and not feel comfy! I can’t stand the fact I have a day off and I can’t be with who I want or go where I want! I can't bear the fact that the company I keep probably doesn’t even think about why we are “really” getting a day off of work or school.
Maybe it is the “who” not the “day” that makes my skin crawl, but I sadly admit I am limited in that regard. Maybe it is the commercialized part of the holiday I dislike, but I am a “victim” of black Friday by choice. Maybe Thanksgiving is like this for everyone and it is, to some extent, like childbirth, you forget how awful it is every time so you will hopefully continue to reproduce. I am ok with that, but I am certain that this past year was my “last ditch effort” for enjoying Thanksgiving.
That is until next year when I say to myself again, “Oh, this year will be fantastic and better than all the rest. This year will be the exception to every other Thanksgiving I have ever had!”
Optimism, insanity, or ignorance? You decide.
I recognize that the majority of people would find this hatred toward Thanksgiving to be considered almost blasphemous, but I can not hide this feeling any longer.
I detest sitting around staring at my family, whom I never see other than the big holidays, acting as if we have something in common, because we don’t. There is never going to be a day that I want to cook for eleven hours and I think that Thanksgiving should not be an exception to this rule! I loathe the fact that I have to pretend that I care if you like my gravy! I hate washing 50 dishes! I find it insufferable that I have to share my couch when I watch football, even worse, I might have to sit on someone else’s couches and not feel comfy! I can’t stand the fact I have a day off and I can’t be with who I want or go where I want! I can't bear the fact that the company I keep probably doesn’t even think about why we are “really” getting a day off of work or school.
Maybe it is the “who” not the “day” that makes my skin crawl, but I sadly admit I am limited in that regard. Maybe it is the commercialized part of the holiday I dislike, but I am a “victim” of black Friday by choice. Maybe Thanksgiving is like this for everyone and it is, to some extent, like childbirth, you forget how awful it is every time so you will hopefully continue to reproduce. I am ok with that, but I am certain that this past year was my “last ditch effort” for enjoying Thanksgiving.
That is until next year when I say to myself again, “Oh, this year will be fantastic and better than all the rest. This year will be the exception to every other Thanksgiving I have ever had!”
Optimism, insanity, or ignorance? You decide.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The over indulgence
I write…..
I have had this feeling, an anticipation of sorts. I wish I had an outlet that made me not feel so, so guilty. The cravings are something I have felt before, but not for a while. The desire is something I have been thinking about incessantly. Warmth, smooth, eager…… ummmmm.
I might feel shame…… but not enough to keep me from having what I want. I might feel some regret… but not till tomorrow. I might want more….. but who knows if I have the room.
All I know is that I will be satisfied this one day, this one time, this one event. I can not tell the future, but I like the feeling of curiously wondering about what may happen later. Maybe this will be the last time I make this choice, then, never again….. or I make this choice every week and hide the guilty pleasures from the world….. secretly smiling on the inside……. ear to ear…… no one will know….. my little secret. I will have to wait it out, but soon, very soon I will indulge………
Tonight
I will make brownies for dinner.
I have had this feeling, an anticipation of sorts. I wish I had an outlet that made me not feel so, so guilty. The cravings are something I have felt before, but not for a while. The desire is something I have been thinking about incessantly. Warmth, smooth, eager…… ummmmm.
I might feel shame…… but not enough to keep me from having what I want. I might feel some regret… but not till tomorrow. I might want more….. but who knows if I have the room.
All I know is that I will be satisfied this one day, this one time, this one event. I can not tell the future, but I like the feeling of curiously wondering about what may happen later. Maybe this will be the last time I make this choice, then, never again….. or I make this choice every week and hide the guilty pleasures from the world….. secretly smiling on the inside……. ear to ear…… no one will know….. my little secret. I will have to wait it out, but soon, very soon I will indulge………
Tonight
I will make brownies for dinner.
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